"In his domestic administration my father had this system . . . to keep a journal and insert in it all occurrences of any note . . . A record very pleasant to look at when time begins to efface the memory of events, and very well suited to get us out of perplexity: When was such and such a thing begun? When completed? What retinues came? How long did they stay? Our trips, our absences; marriages; deaths; the receipt of happy or unhappy news . . . An ancient custom, which I think it would be good to revive, each man in each man's home. And I think I am a fool to have neglected it." (Montaigne, Book I, Essay 35 (publ. 1580))
After the Mass, after the burial, after the funeral dinner - relatives, friends, community folks gathered at Grandpa's house in St. Joe. Perfect setting for this. Typical amazing support from the locals in terms of food, drink, set-up; especially the assistance from the Capesius bros. Charlie did a good job of recording the scene via photos - all these are from him.
Mom died Thursday evening, August 27 - just four days after we had last seen her. We were lucky to be able to speak with her on the phone a couple hours before she died - even then, she was lucid (though weak-voiced). The in-range siblings kept up their impressive practice of just being there for her. Caroline and Marguerite also had visited that very day, among others.
Who's to say as to this kind of thing - but I do believe that Mom got the kind of death she deserved. At home in her own bed; peacefully (as far as we can know); surrounded by loved ones; prayer opportunities right up to the end; conscious until maybe the last half hour; at least by her account, pretty much pain-free throughout (at least in comparison to what one could expect with pancreatic cancer). It certainly could have played out much worse.
Funeral dinner place-mats. Yes, the cookies are perfectly round.
Funeral planning underway before Grandma died. In those last few days prior to her death, we also made some effort to get messages up on the "Caring Bridge" website - Grandma had been understandably unenthusiastic about firing up that site (thinking it premature); then she passed away so quickly that there wasn't much time to get the word out. Yet some lovely things were posted (see the "Caring Bridge" document included at bottom of this post). (By the way the experience with Grandma's website was the opposite of Mary's situation - we lost Mary entirely unexpectedly, and folks used the website to say what they needed to say. With Grandma - most folks got to do that in person!)
How to describe the funeral weekend? I'll give the briefest summary below - but the overarching impression was the immeasurable strength, and value, of a close-knit immediate family, extended family, friends, parish, community. Doesn't translate precisely into words, at least for me. I cannot imagine a warmer, finer experience. A tribute to Grandma, and to the larger enterprise.
Starting with 100% attendance and support with PJ's and my own crew. Like so many others, they made PJ and me feel like it was their honor, their pleasure, to be required to drop everything, pull out the credit card again, and travel cross-country on short notice. POC, Nicole, Chris, Kerry, Luis, PJ and I flew into MSP on Thursday and went straight to Algona hotel, then quickly onto St. Joe. Paul Jr and Nedda flew into MSP on Friday and immediately headed to the wake that afternoon. And Patrick - who hasn't been flying for most of a year now - took a series of trains across the country, then rented a car in Omaha and drove the rest of the way - to arrive on Friday morning - wow. So the 10 of us were all together for this, as is good and right.
Thursday, September 3
Thursday evening, St. Joe cemetery . . . (CPG photo)
As per above - Thursday primarily was a travel day. Large gathering at the St. Joe house in the evening where we had supper and talked; lots of folks in-and-out; lots of details under consideration.
At Grandma's gravesite - Thursday evening.
Friday, September 4
Stopped in St. Joe; then organized a short tour over to the farm where I grew up - in large part because POC had never had an opportunity to see the place (even though he's visited St. Joe a couple times previously). Our entire then-group-of-nine went over for the tour. I of course love showing the place to these folks, plus talking nonstop about the sights, such as they are, along the way. We swung by the Kohlhaas-Bormann areas, for example. We walked the grounds, checked out the farm buildings, went inside the deteriorating house for a bit, etc. (By the way this was the moment where Patrick arrived - at the farm - entirely a surprise to me - and it was a big surprise indeed.)
Touring the farm.
Touring the farm.
So much going on throughout. Back at St. Joe house, we did manage a run-through of Panis Angelicus. Hurried back to Algona to prep for the wake.
The wake, as I recall it, was a blur. Though an exceptionally nice blur. Upon arrival we see Grandma in the casket - ach. EMG and the remaining eight of us are lined up in age-order at front of sacristy. Huge turnout for the wake - we see so many familiar faces - some few that we should recognize but can't without help - so many kind and wonderful things are said. Prayer session. Fr. Kollasch gives a speech once folks have passed through, and various of the family members (and others) remember Grandma to those present. Some parishioners put together food for us - very nice, it's what they do so well and cheerfully! - served in what formerly was the chapel in the school - where hot lunch had been served to me through eight years of grade school - a fine, but exhausting day.
Almost no photos from the wake . . . but I'm glad we have this picture of our group-of-10 in St. Joe church.
Back to St. Joe house a bit, then those of us staying in Algona gather in the hotel lobby for quite a while. POC and NOC say their goodbyes and drive to Des Moines airport very late (as they somehow are squeezing in three Chicago-area weddings this same weekend).
Saturday, September 5
The funeral sequence is another blur. Weather is quite fine though unseasonably warm. We arrive at St. Joe church. The family gathers in the main aisle and spreads the cloth (whatever it's called) over Grandma's casket prior to the service. The Mass-planning paid off; the musicians do a quite-lovely job (under Dolores's leadership); Cecilia gives a quite-touching remembrance after Communion - all this hits the right notes to be sure. Much to remember.
(Prior to Mass - a familiar but seemingly a-bit-out-of-place face - Mike Hough has driven up from Kansas City for the service! What a fine gesture - enjoyed seeing him and catching up a bit after; he stays for early stages of the tent party. Nice.)
A group performs Panis Angelicus - certainly a favorite of Grandma's. This is quite a fine thing to do together:
After the Mass we go up the cemetery hill as we have for so many funerals over so many years. But of course this time it feels entirely different. It's Mom. The cemetery - overlooking the old church, the school, the village of St. Joe, the surrounding cornfields - is as lovely and evocative as ever. Again - the main impression is the strength, and comfort, of the family. Grandma is placed into the ground - the unto dust ye shall return phase is here for her - just before this, the flowers and decorations (including plastic raspberries!) adorning the casket are distributed to nearby daughters and granddaughters - - -
The family. (I wonder if - say 80 years from now - somebody like Liam might show this picture to a bunch of folks we won't know . . . not just folks, but relatives!. . . he might say something like "Believe it or not I'm the little boy in the front row, it was my grand-grandmama's funeral in a tiny town in the State of Iowa, here's what I remember of her, and of that day . . .")
The family.
The family.
Then we go into the school gymnasium for "dinner" as we have for so many funerals over so many years. Lovely place-mats featuring perfectly-round cookies (what a great idea)! Everyone close to us is there, and is kind and wonderful. Those who handled the planning again scored a major success. We talk, and talk, and talk - with family, friends, neighbors. We pose for numerous photos (some included in this post). We look over the senior class photos from those few years when St. Joe had its own high school (including Ernie & Helen in the renowned Class of 1946); we look over the framed photos recounting key aspects of the parish history - framed and captioned, naturally, under the leadership of Ernie & Helen - it meant a lot to me that our group had the chance to see a St. Joe-style funeral, and all this.
CPG, POC, Nedda, EPG, NOC, PJr looking over the St. Joe history exhibit (in school gymnasium).
After the tent party. Not the highest-quality photo . . . but it captures some of the reminiscing going on; here, EMG is explaining "he and Romie on horse" to Joe Gales and me.
After the tent-party, those of us staying in Algona again gathered in the hotel lobby for quite a while.
AmericInn lobby works for gathering.
Sunday, September 6
Attended 10a Mass in St. Joe with a very large group - most of us were still in town that morning. The most memorable element of the Mass - EMG walked up to the lectern after Communion and gave a quite fine little speech thanking folks and remembering Grandma - I'm always impressed by fine speeches given entirely without notes.
EMG found the right words.
Back to the St. Joe house - a large group was there for noon meal - an extra opportunity to catch up with folks - there were so many in attendance throughout the weekend that it was impossible to give enough attention to each - but very fun trying - this noon meal was a nice event and an important wrap-up, I'd say.
Grandma at rest alongside Mary (and more). Taken Sunday morning after Mass.
We say goodbye to the siblings, relatives, friends still there. We say goodbye to (Ernest) Patrick, who will be making his own way back via the rail system. We say goodbye to Ernest (Mathias), who will be making his own way, period. Everyone is happy that the Michael-Ally wedding is coming up within less than three months - nice to have that gathering to look forward to, it eases the goodbyes in this moment.
We head off to the airport. What a sequence from March 30 through September 6. Grandma is gone from us - now she's with Mike & Minnie, Irvin, Harold, Clarence, Mary, and others. Our centerpiece in many ways; not replaceable; now we all have work to do to keep things going.
And on it goes. Sunday afternoon; Grandpa passing along some euchre knowledge to folks two generations down the line. As far as I know, that's how it's done (Ernest J. Gales and Mike Bormann were my instructors, after all). At this time we already were heading north to MSP; EPG had a bit later departure time to meet his train.
