Saying goodbye to Mom

Mom died Thursday evening, August 27 - just four days after we had last seen her.  We were lucky to be able to speak with her on the phone a couple hours before she died - even then, she was lucid (though weak-voiced).  The in-range siblings kept up their impressive practice of just being there for her.  Caroline and Marguerite also had visited that very day, among others.

Who's to say as to this kind of thing - but I do believe that Mom got the kind of death she deserved.  At home in her own bed; peacefully (as far as we can know); surrounded by loved ones; prayer opportunities right up to the end; conscious until maybe the last half hour; at least by her account, pretty much pain-free throughout (at least in comparison to what one could expect with pancreatic cancer).  It certainly could have played out much worse.

Funeral dinner place-mats.  Yes, the cookies are perfectly round.

Funeral planning underway before Grandma died.  In those last few days prior to her death, we also made some effort to get messages up on the "Caring Bridge" website - Grandma had been understandably unenthusiastic about firing up that site (thinking it premature); then she passed away so quickly that there wasn't much time to get the word out.  Yet some lovely things were posted (see the "Caring Bridge" document included at bottom of this post).  (By the way the experience with Grandma's website was the opposite of Mary's situation - we lost Mary entirely unexpectedly, and folks used the website to say what they needed to say.  With Grandma - most folks got to do that in person!)

How to describe the funeral weekend?  I'll give the briefest summary below  - but the overarching impression was the immeasurable strength, and value, of a close-knit immediate family, extended family, friends, parish, community.  Doesn't translate precisely into words, at least for me.  I cannot imagine a warmer, finer experience.  A tribute to Grandma, and to the larger enterprise.

Starting with 100% attendance and support with PJ's and my own crew.  Like so many others, they made PJ and me feel like it was their honor, their pleasure, to be required to drop everything, pull out the credit card again, and travel cross-country on short notice.  POC, Nicole, Chris, Kerry, Luis, PJ and I flew into MSP on Thursday and went straight to Algona hotel, then quickly onto St. Joe.  Paul Jr and Nedda flew into MSP on Friday and immediately headed to the wake that afternoon. And Patrick - who hasn't been flying for most of a year now - took a series of trains across the country, then rented a car in Omaha and drove the rest of the way - to arrive on Friday morning - wow.  So the 10 of us were all together for this, as is good and right.

Thursday, September 3

Thursday evening, St. Joe cemetery . . . (CPG photo)

As per above - Thursday primarily was a travel day.  Large gathering at the St. Joe house in the evening where we had supper and talked; lots of folks in-and-out; lots of details under consideration.

At Grandma's gravesite - Thursday evening.

Friday, September 4

Stopped in St. Joe; then organized a short tour over to the farm where I grew up - in large part because POC had never had an opportunity to see the place (even though he's visited St. Joe a couple times previously).  Our entire then-group-of-nine went over for the tour. I of course love showing the place to these folks, plus talking nonstop about the sights, such as they are, along the way.  We swung by the Kohlhaas-Bormann areas, for example.  We walked the grounds, checked out the farm buildings, went inside the deteriorating house for a bit, etc.  (By the way this was the moment where Patrick arrived - at the farm - entirely a surprise to me - and it was a big surprise indeed.)

Touring the farm.

Touring the farm.

So much going on throughout.  Back at St. Joe house, we did manage a run-through of Panis Angelicus.  Hurried back to Algona to prep for the wake.

The wake, as I recall it, was a blur.  Though an exceptionally nice blur.  Upon arrival we see Grandma in the casket - ach.  EMG and the remaining eight of us are lined up in age-order at front of sacristy.  Huge turnout for the wake - we see so many familiar faces - some few that we should recognize but can't without help - so many kind and wonderful things are said.  Prayer session.  Fr. Kollasch gives a speech once folks have passed through, and various of the family members (and others) remember Grandma to those present.  Some parishioners put together food for us - very nice, it's what they do so well and cheerfully! - served in what formerly was the chapel in the school - where hot lunch had been served to me through eight years of grade school - a fine, but exhausting day.

Almost no photos from the wake . . . but I'm glad we have this picture of our group-of-10 in St. Joe church.

Back to St. Joe house a bit, then those of us staying in Algona gather in the hotel lobby for quite a while.  POC and NOC say their goodbyes and drive to Des Moines airport very late (as they somehow are squeezing in three Chicago-area weddings this same weekend).

Saturday, September 5

The funeral sequence is another blur.  Weather is quite fine though unseasonably warm.  We arrive at St. Joe church.  The family gathers in the main aisle and spreads the cloth (whatever it's called) over Grandma's casket prior to the service.  The Mass-planning paid off; the musicians do a quite-lovely job (under Dolores's leadership); Cecilia gives a quite-touching remembrance after Communion - all this hits the right notes to be sure.  Much to remember.

(Prior to Mass - a familiar but seemingly a-bit-out-of-place face - Mike Hough has driven up from Kansas City for the service!  What a fine gesture - enjoyed seeing him and catching up a bit after; he stays for early stages of the tent party.  Nice.)

A group performs Panis Angelicus - certainly a favorite of Grandma's.  This is quite a fine thing to do together:



After the Mass we go up the cemetery hill as we have for so many funerals over so many years.  But of course this time it feels entirely different.  It's Mom.  The cemetery - overlooking the old church, the school, the village of St. Joe, the surrounding cornfields - is as lovely and evocative as ever.  Again - the main impression is the strength, and comfort, of the family.  Grandma is placed into the ground - the unto dust ye shall return phase is here for her - just before this, the flowers and decorations (including plastic raspberries!) adorning the casket are distributed to nearby daughters and granddaughters - - -

The family.  (I wonder if - say 80 years from now - somebody like Liam might show this picture 
to a bunch of folks we won't know . . . not just folks, but relatives! . . . he might say something like 
"Believe it or not I'm the little boy in the front row, it was my  grand-grandmama's funeral in a tiny town 
in the State of Iowa, here's what I remember of her, and of that day . . .")

The family.

The family.

Then we go into the school gymnasium for "dinner" as we have for so many funerals over so many years.  Lovely place-mats featuring perfectly-round cookies (what a great idea)!  Everyone close to us is there, and is kind and wonderful.  Those who handled the planning again scored a major success.  We talk, and talk, and talk - with family, friends, neighbors.  We pose for numerous photos (some included in this post).  We look over the senior class photos from those few years when St. Joe had its own high school (including Ernie & Helen in the renowned Class of 1946); we look over the framed photos recounting key aspects of the parish history - framed and captioned, naturally, under the leadership of Ernie & Helen - it meant a lot to me that our group had the chance to see a St. Joe-style funeral, and all this.

CPG, POC, Nedda, EPG, NOC, PJr looking over the St. Joe history exhibit (in school gymnasium).

With my godparents - Romie & Marguerite.

And that was it - for that portion of the day.  Still ahead - EMG had rented the KC tent and had it set up just north of his house - folks gathered there and lingered well into the evening (here's a separate post on that event (it was worthy of lots of photos)).

After the tent party.  Not the highest-quality photo . . . but it captures some of the reminiscing going on;
here, EMG is explaining "he and Romie on horse" to Joe Gales and me.  

After the tent-party, those of us staying in Algona again gathered in the hotel lobby for quite a while.

AmericInn lobby works for gathering.

Sunday, September 6

Attended 10a Mass in St. Joe with a very large group - most of us were still in town that morning.  The most memorable element of the Mass - EMG walked up to the lectern after Communion and gave a quite fine little speech thanking folks and remembering Grandma - I'm always impressed by fine speeches given entirely without notes.

EMG found the right words.

Back to the St. Joe house - a large group was there for noon meal - an extra opportunity to catch up with folks - there were so many in attendance throughout the weekend that it was impossible to give enough attention to each - but very fun trying - this noon meal was a nice event and an important wrap-up, I'd say.

Grandma at rest alongside Mary (and more).  Taken Sunday morning after Mass.

We say goodbye to the siblings, relatives, friends still there.  We say goodbye to (Ernest) Patrick, who will be making his own way back via the rail system.  We say goodbye to Ernest (Mathias), who will be making his own way, period.  Everyone is happy that the Michael-Ally wedding is coming up within less than three months - nice to have that gathering to look forward to, it eases the goodbyes in this moment.

We head off to the airport.  What a sequence from March 30 through September 6.  Grandma is gone from us - now she's with Mike & Minnie, Irvin, Harold, Clarence, Mary, and others.  Our centerpiece in many ways; not replaceable; now we all have work to do to keep things going.

And on it goes.  Sunday afternoon; Grandpa passing along some euchre knowledge to folks 
two generations down the line.  As far as I know, that's how it's done (Ernest J. Gales and 
Mike Bormann were my instructors, after all).  At this time we already were heading 
north to MSP; EPG had a bit later departure time to meet his train.

Visiting Mom, who is ill (trip #4 of 4)

Not surprisingly, we were heading back to St. Joe for trip #4 only three weeks after the prior visit.  Reviewing the arc of our four trips:  Grandma was doing really well on trip #1 and trip #2; noticeably weaker on trip #3; then obviously near the end on this trip #4.  Wonderfully alert and positive, yet not in denial.  Just a lot less energy, and the jaundice etc. had really kicked in. She was impressive, and it was another visit that we won’t forget.

On arrival at Mulligan Stew.  Was amazed at the number of cars - this is a huge local event.

Fortunately, we arrived in time to catch up with this fine crew.  Missing Carol!

Wednesday, August 19

Patricia and I flew into MSP with Chris, where we met Kerry and headed south.  (Great, and greatly appreciated, that they traveled, again; Nicole also (she arrived on Friday).)  Our goal was to reach St. Joe in time for the “Mulligan Stew” – doubtless the single largest event on the St. Joe parish calendar.  The idea was that we could catch up with many family members who were visiting (some leaving shortly after), also catch up with parish/community types, also hang out with Grandma there if she was up to it (she wasn’t), also let PJ, C and K see the Stew event.

Lots of conversation and sipping with all sorts of folks - delightful evening.

PJ had stayed with Grandma; they had a fine chat.  On our return - we are looking over some
Mulligan Stew photos EMG had located from the 1970s.  And had some rhubarb pie!

I don’t recall being at the Stew since sometime in the mid-1970s.  Though the parish is smaller, the Stew has grown larger – draws folks from all around the area.  Big crowd; cold/windy August evening; highly enjoyable.  C, K and I went down to the parish grounds; PJ stayed with Grandma.  All of the siblings were there except Carol (per photo), plus many of the next-gen types.  Some were leaving during/after the Stew, so focused initially on chatting up that group, including EMG.  To the point where the stew was gone by the time we went into the line – had a hot dog!  Spoke with various parish folks, then settled into a conversational circle with Charlie, C, K and a smattering of Romie-Capesius-Lane cousins, Joe Illg, etc., for a couple hours, a few beers, and limitless reminiscing and laughter.  All this quite delightful, glad K and C had a chance to see what it's like.  Back to the St. Joe house – reviewed the day with Grandma, went through some pictures of old-days Stew events, microwaved some stew that had made it back to the fridge.  Not bad.  But not great.  A fun evening.

Thursday, August 20

Pat and Thom Roe visited during breakfast.  Lots of chatting throughout the morning.  Grandma napped during noontime; I wandered up to hill farm with EMG, Charlie and Houlahan family – tractor rides, climbed a bin, lovely day for all this.  All the Minnesota folks left; down to just Charlie, Beth and the four of us.  A few tasks in the afternoon – trip to Algona recycling center; gathering even more branches for burn pile on hill farm; supper; dice game; high anticipation for Doc Martin episode only to realize it was preempted by State Fair programming.  Oh well.  Quiet day, took our opportunities to spend time with Grandma and EMG etc.

Landscaping crew.

Supervisors of landscaping crew.

Friday, August 21

PJ, Beth and K accompanied Grandma to her morning hair appointment in Algona.  Charlie, C and I went to Algona – some chatting at Capesius seed shed, then grocery store visit (key task:  pick up ingredients to make ham balls).  On return – taking advantage of favorable winds (strong from the south) – EMG wanted to light up the humungous burn pile up on the hill farm.  So we (EMG, Charlie, C, me) did just that.  Some theorizing required getting the blaze going (including gas-soaked carpet strip); no one was singed; big fires are always impressive.  So we watched, took photos/video, etc.

Sure, why not toss on some gasoline from an open can?  At the 0:40 mark of the video - even with 

the wind - things were getting plenty hot near the pickup.  Definitely was time to move it 

and its collection of flammable cargo. 

PJ and K visited the firebugs up on hill farm.  Then went to pick up N at Ft. Dodge.

The combination of tractor (F-20) and operator - both are well-seasoned, let's say!

More task-stuff after noon meal.  I drove the 4020 to our “home place”.  Haven’t had a long-ish tractor ride like that in many decades – it remains a fine way to see the countryside.  Charlie and I weed whacked around bins, house and machine shed while EMG mowed with 4020.  He gets around great on that machinery.  Beth, Patricia, Nicole (picked up by Patricia and Kerry earlier in Ft. Dodge), Chris and Kerry brought lunch over about 5:15.  We toured what is left of the house and visited Joe Boy's grave.

Lunch providers showed up just in time.

This interlude at the home place was really nice for me, for a few reasons.  One being that EMG seemed to have in mind that we would get the place really cleaned up so that he or we could bring Grandma out to see it for what probably would be one last time.  (That was a nice thought on his part; unfortunately, that one last trip didn’t happen.  But the place did look nice!)  Another neat aspect – we grew up with the tradition, or regular practice, of “men working out in the field, women bringing lunch to them” – let me tell you, it was a memory-stirrer to have this particular group bring lunch to this particular set of workers at that particular site on that particular day.  OK, not identical to occurrences of 40+ years ago – but close enough to be very evocative.  Plus it was just a sunny, lovely late afternoon – enough wind to keep away mosquitoes, not so much as to be annoying.  I had a lot to think about.

I really like this photo.

Back to St. Joe for conversation and general fun; K was able to get Luis on the phone (Facetime!) so he could speak again with Grandma (nice).  Dinner was ham balls and dessert!  Full day, all tired.  And perhaps a bit overfed, though quite enjoyably (and deliberately) so.

"Face-time" with Luis - we had had such a nice visit to Iowa just three weeks prior.

Saturday, August 22

Celebrating Caroline's birthday.  And being together.

CCG and I enjoy EMG's theorizing.

Busy day.  Connie and Caroline stopped by in the morning; they stayed for noon meal and we observed Caroline’s birthday.  Further clean-up efforts at the home place – that took up a chunk of the afternoon.  Steve & Liz came over from Mason City; PJ, K and C went with them and Beth to Train Wreck in Algona for a bit in the afternoon (amidst grocery shopping and nonstop cooking/clean-up!)

Pretty sure this was the last birthday card written by Grandma.  After so, so many . . . 

Train Wreck.

More Train Wreck-ers.

Charlie and I went with EMG to hill farm for more fussing with burn pile remnants.  F-20 – truly a historic vehicle – having carburetor problems or something in the fuel line – towed it with EMG’s beat-up pickup so that we could get it in the shed before a respectable rainstorm hit.  These activities of course stir up all sorts of memories from decades ago of working with those two, and others, on machinery tasks up in the shed on the hill farm – so many hours back then.  Tom and Kieran came by.

Gales children relatives cleaning sweet corn (somewhat reprising photo appearing in St. Joe history book).

Early 1970s photo, with conscripted workers display varying levels of enthusiasm.

The cooking crew came up with an amazing dinner – sweet corn, various pork presentations, freshly-made peach pie.   And we of course talked well into the evening.

The peach pie was a SUCCESS.

Ach.

Sunday, August 23

Charlie & Beth had a pretty early flight so they went to mass in Algona, then stopped in St. Joe for breakfast and we said goodbye to them  We all went to 10a Mass in St. Joe.  It was nice sitting with Grandma there in the old church where so much has happened – except the part about thinking it was the last time.  Another windy/cold morning, so Grandpa and Grandma went straight to the house after Mass.  Our group-of-five spent a little time at the cemetery – stopped by Mary’s grave – in an email sent on August 24 I wrote “Dramatic-blustery atmosphere, crystal-clear views, tall corn on all sides, the church nestled below – quite a setting.”  It really is.  Grandpa came by to join us and we spent some time walking around the family gravestones, hearing some of the stories, talking about what style of tombstone he and Grandma would like, looking at a Kaiser sample, etc.

Pretty much immediately after that, it was time for us to head to the airport.  We knew there was some tiny chance that – depending on how things played out and how long Grandma lingered – we might make a quick trip back to St. Joe before she died.  But that seemed unlikely and we considered this to be our last chance to say good bye.  Which is rather a remarkable thing to think about.  Here’s how I described it in an email written the next day:

“We had talked about how we wanted to handle our goodbyes – looking at Mom for several days, we of course fear (actually, believe) that this in all likelihood will be our last time seeing her alive – anyway we decided we’d just see how things shaped up in those last moments before we head to the airport.  And we were gifted with a truly beautiful experience.  Marie Laubenthal had shown up to visit at pretty much the last minute, and EMG drew her off into the computer-picture zone, we think intentionally.  That left the five of us in the living room with Grandma, in her chair.  One by one, we hugged her and basically told her how much we loved her, and goodbye.  Occasional tears, but it most definitely was not a weeping exercise, or an emotion-for-emotion’s sake kind of thing, or even nothing-but-sadness – a nice mix of happy memories was mentioned also.  It was neither rushed nor dragged-out.  Grandma was absolutely magnificent with each of us – just so impressive.  It was absolutely unforgettable.  We were, and are, lucky in so many ways. Sad, and so overwhelmingly grateful to have had her, and for these opportunities to visit.”

The car was pretty quiet for quite a while as we drove towards the airport.

Laguna/Stone

Reprising two trips that we like.

Photographs well, eh?

Sixth annual trip to Pacific Edge Hotel in Laguna Beach (last year here) - we don't tire of wandering the beach, the town, the shops, the restaurants.  Or just sitting on a balcony (juts right over the incoming surf) and looking out over the Pacific.  I predict we'll return.

Sitting on balcony just before getting ready to wander out for dinner . . . 

Then we drove down to San Diego to join the crew assembling for our second annual trip to the Friday night "brewer's reception" at some festival sponsored by Stone Brewery (last year here).  Stone really does an excellent job with its beers.  Food lines seemed more manageable this year - nice event with a very entertaining crew.  Lots of photos taken, but not by us.  But I gathered a few.

Our DD is patient.  Her navigator, less so.

Reception post-mortem.

Visiting Mom, who is ill (trip #3 of 4)

Another delightful visit to St. Joe to see Mom and Dad (will use Grandma and Grandpa here per usual in these posts).  But a sobering note:  between our May and June visits:  very little noticeable change in Grandma.  This time:  her color wasn’t nearly as good, nor her energy levels; what’s happening to her suddenly seems much more real.  But her attitude, spirits, willingness to burn energy entertaining us:  just amazing.

On arrival . . . getting some knowledge.

Caught up with Carol at beginning of our visit. 

For this trip:  Kerry and Luis met us at MSP airport and were with us the entire time.  It was important to all of us that Luis had a chance to see St. Joe, the farm, the area . . . his only prior visit was this pleasant trip (during which our movements were way too constricted by wintry weather).

I put together this little movie with the photos from our visit:




Thursday 23 July

Easy travels, everyone on time; stopped at grocery store in Algona; PJ put together a fine supper for all.  Carol still in St. Joe, wrapping up her visit – so nice chance to catch up with her a bit.  Watched Doc Martin!!  Round 1 of rhubarb pie was a big success.

Friday 24 July

Mom 'n me admiring Dick Erpelding flower bed on a lovely afternoon.

Late afternoon visit to the hill farm.

PJ and I went to Mass with G&G.  PJ, K and Grandma went to Algona mid-day – visited Chocolate Season, the Chinese restaurant, etc.  Luis and I took Carol up to the halfway point to Minneapolis, where Maeve and Beau (met him for first time!) picked Carol up for the rest of the trip to Minneapolis (and eventually onto Nome).  So Luis and I had 3.5 or so hours in the car (half with Carol), which was a fine opportunity to chat about this and that.  Grandpa was doing some mowing at the home place and also up on the hill.  Hot, muggy weather; Grandpa took Luis and me up to the hill farm in early evening to get a sense for how his old childhood-growing-up place could catch a cooling breeze not available in St Joe itself (let alone the farm where we grew up).  It’s a neat place, and the breeze-on-hill effect is very real.  Pot roast supper; Twins game; Grandma led K&L through a nice review of her photo albums – nice moments indeed.

Saturday 25 July

Cookie-baking team . . . 

. . . with regular breaks for photo album review (finished cookie-product visible at right)

Visiting Caroline.

Working on cookie baking in the morning.  After dinner all six of us visited Algona – spent a little time poking around in an antique store on Main Street for starters.  Then toured the POW Museum – this was for the German POW camp in Algona during WWII – they do a really nice job with the place.  Next up:  a delightful visit with Caroline Bormann at her apartment.  Back to St. Joe where we relaxed and watched the Lawrence Welk show – pleasant.  Some cards in the evening; our hosts napped; we were all pretty tired!

Sunday, 26 July

On our Sunday road-trip - an evocative, lingering visit to where G&G raised their family.

Coffee, cinnamon rolls, oatmeal per usual for breakfast – always nice to sit and look up the hill at that time of day.  10a Mass; brats for dinner.  Lovely weather.

Mid-stage of high-stakes Chinese checkers match

In mid/late afternoon we embarked on a lengthy car tour:  Grandpa driving, PJ and I in front seat, K&L with Grandma in the back.  Wanted to give Luis a look at various of the places around the parish (but of course I always enjoy this kind of thing myself, a lot).  Spent some time at the farm where Grandma & Grandpa raised us – a beautiful afternoon, we wandered around a fair amount.  (Unlike last month’s visit:  Grandma pretty much just rested in the car this time, which made us kind of sad.)  Evocative.  Drove past the house where Grandma grew up; drove around Clarence Bormann’s farm; drove around the Capesius homestead (and admired their sweet corn); Grandma thought it would be nice for us to see the Grotto in West Bend so we added that to the trip – Grotto was closed but one gets a pretty good sense of the place even with the windshield tour of the perimeter.  Lots of talking and laughs as we drive, and drive.  Grandpa can be an entertaining driver, especially when encouraged a bit by his passengers.  This was memorable, nice.

Digits indicate order of finish.

And then we settled into the evening.  PJ makes dinner happen – quite a bit of work, a late roast pork supper (after our extended road trip), she frees up the rest of us to just relax.  Kerry, Luis, Grandma and I play Chinese Checkers – Grandma’s traditional favorite.  Then we switch to a game I’ll call “Piku” – something they acquired via a friend of Therese’s in Austria when visiting Europe way back when – simple, fun, for some reason the competition, the company, the circumstances made this warm, gentle, full-of-laughs.  A wonderful sunset, we kept sneaking to the patio to take a look, it fit the mood perfectly.  EMG was doing his computer stuff, joining in the conversation and the laughs as the evening progressed.  Had our snacks, and tried to re-create the traditional Bormann beverage (bourbon, apricot brandy, 7-Up); not bad at all.  It made me happy to see my mom laugh.  And to laugh myself.  A late supper, dessert, the most pleasant conversation until nearly 11p.

Our next fun-game.

A great day.

Monday 27 July

PJ and I went to Mass with G&G; Kerry & Luis got themselves checked out of the hotel and came down to St. Joe.  Fr. Kollasch stopped by after Mass and enjoyed the baked goods and we had a very pleasant chat about all sorts of things.  Including a strong hint from Grandma to Luis that a proposal would be quite in order!  Fr. Kollasch was inspired to sing a little ditty.  PJ put together dinner, and – after some tugging goodbyes – we were off to the Minneapolis airport and our return flights.

The trip was that mix of heartbreaking and wonderful.  We are so lucky to be able to make these visits.  Told Grandma we definitely will be back to see her . . . though for the first time the sense is that time with her definitely is running shorter . . .

Reluctant departure . . .

.